The Office of
Office Humor and Satire
Note: In this position you will
also be carrying out most duties of the Director of corruptive affairs. The
Director is usually never to be found and highly oblivious to office relations
Duties as follows
- You will report directly to the
Director of Corruptive Affairs, (if and when the Director can
be found). The office Informant specialist I will act as your assistant.
Employee confidentiality holds no bearings with this managerial position.
Micro-manage and keep employees overwhelmed with unrealistic deadlines so they won't feel
obligated to make frequent restroom visits, breaks, take lunch, or have time to blink unnecessary.
You will treat the office premises as if it was your own property, and nag
employees on anything
that looks out of place, or bothers you for what ever reason.
Get familiarized with as many eager to please employees who will keep you abreast
in the office.
Pry your subordinates for personal information so you can use it against them
later on when
all work duties disproportionately among your subordinate employees, including
managerial paperwork and be sure to take the credit.
Search employee work areas frequently and implant 'bugging' devices around
the office if needed.
When unsure of leadership ability, periodically humiliate random employees in
front of the office
Take your supervisory position to a tyrannical level, never take vacation, no
out office lunch, & refuse
Send employees to do your personal errands. The office can not function properly
Always walk around the office at a fast pace with papers in your hand to give
the appearance of
Detain and meagerly handout all company office supplies as if you purchased them
with your own
bickering, distrust and back biting among all subordinates in the office.
Always achieve partial and unfair decisions when dealing with employee interpersonal disputes.
Never take vacation, lunch breaks, and refuse to retire.
urges to delegate, nag and micro-manage.
Must be proficient in using reverse psychology methods.
Keen ability to compose erroneous reasons to antagonize or terminate employees.
Arrogance, sarcasm, lack of human compassion, and having a condescending attitude is a plus.
- Never take ownership to mistakes
or errors. Ability to blame
shift in a single bound.
- Delusions of adequacy. Paranoia and insecurity.
- Must suffer from "I
never thought I'd get this far in life" syndrome.
None ever needed. However, you will always be
visibly paranoid about people finding this secret out.
Tormenting others to appease yourself for not having
extra circular activities, a significant other, or a positive sense of worth.