The Office of
Non-Compliance Association
www.officemisery.com
Informant
Specialist I
(Unclassified position)
This is
a new unclassified position that will be replacing the former unclassified
position of "Office news carrier".
Duties as follows
-
Transmit solicited and
unsolicited information about daily office on-goings to management.
-
Inconspicuously obtain and if
needed, distort pertinent information that would harm the reputations
of other
colleagues.
-
Keep account of all
colleagues regarding punctuality, restroom visits, internet surfing, personal
phone calls and
any other illegitimate factors that can be reported to management.
-
Befriend and interrogate new
office employees.
-
Initiate and maintain office
distrust among employees, management and staff.
- Work in
hand with the office janitor/custodial worker. This individual usually has
expertise in
performing these exact duties as well. They will stand in for you when you're
out of the office.
-
Perform other related duties
and task as assigned by encouraging management.
Qualifications
-
Perfect hearing and perfect
peripheral vision
-
Trilingual and Pig Latin
speakers preferred.
-
Keen ability to distort facts
and embellish fiction.
-
Unhappiness and
dissatisfaction with personal life.
-
Unrewarding childhood.
-
Deep inferiority complex.
-
Ability to grin with teeth
and pass it off as a smile.
Educational Requirements
-
B.S. Degree in envy
-
PhD. in gossiping
Benefit packages
None. This is an unclassified and exempt position
only. If you meet most of the qualifications and requirements needed, this would
be a pleasurable and self-fulfilling position for you regardless. However,
depending on which participating management you choose to supply, you may in
fact be able to receive minor insignificant fringe benefits until management no
longer has use for your services.
Note:
There are no official records of this position in the company’s Human Resources
office. If you feel you meet the qualifications and you would like to apply,
interviews will be accepted on a daily basis by management until further notice
on legitimizing this position.
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